


meet me in the inbetween

by solikerez



Series: transmissions from a world beyond [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: F/M, Not quite a fix-it fic, Post-Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, but tros has put me through every single stage of grief multiple times so, here we are, hi i haven't been here in a while, it's lonely in the company of ghosts, not yet at least, rey records a transmission for every night she spends on tatooine, the end is never the end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-27
Updated: 2019-12-27
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:34:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21992260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/solikerez/pseuds/solikerez
Summary: Record transmission?I felt you. I saw you. I knew you. I loved you. I hope you knew it.Transmission saved.
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Series: transmissions from a world beyond [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1583095
Comments: 2
Kudos: 24





	meet me in the inbetween

**Author's Note:**

> I've been thinking a lot about TROS and can't get the idea of Rey recording transmissions for Ben that she'll never send out of my head.

**Record transmission?**

**Please record your message at the tone.**

Lately I’ve had time to think. I thought coming here might help me come to terms, to begin to digest it all. It's quiet here, much more than the base ever was. I’ve grown accustomed to the quiet. But I can’t adjust to the absence of your soul tangled with mine. It was all so twisted up, and I hated you for it, because it meant you had seen me. It meant you had really known me, more than I’d ever been known. Now there are only loose ends, frayed at the edges. Now I can hardly recollect how I survived the silence in the time before. I wonder if I’ll ever be truly, _wholly_ known like that again.

No one ever tells you what happens after. When the final battle is over, is there a home to return to? I’ve never really known one. I suppose home is less a place, so much as it is a feeling. A home is all I ever really wanted. I had hoped the galaxy was wide enough for me to find my place in it, one day. I was so afraid to leave for so long, but once I left, what I wanted so desperately was just to belong somewhere, with someone. I thought I’d found that, however briefly, until the Force led me to you. The world, which had once for me been so small, has grown so much wider since the moment you stepped into my life. But as it expands, it gets more difficult to fill the space. It’s harder to ignore the barrenness of it all. Nothing ever really fills the gaps. Not like you. Your existence has touched every part of mine.

So many nights I wondered as I tried to push away the thought of you, though our tether lay ever thrumming at the back of my mind, what would have happened if I had taken your hand. I wanted to. I would have taken your hand, Ben. Not the hand of Kylo Ren. That man was a mask. I wanted to see you, to _know_ you. But you were still hiding.

The man who held me in his arms was not hiding. You showed me your face, and I swore I could never bring myself to look away from the man that shone behind that mask. I saw you then. When you offered me your hand those many months ago, that was the man who I would have gladly followed to the galaxy’s farthest reach. I wanted you in my world. 

You would have fit. There was room for you. There always will be. That little pocket of my soul you wedged yourself into so firmly will always be there, like your scars that I bear. My world was big enough for you. For so long… for so long it was all empty. I filled my world with memories and ghosts. I’d known hunger. I’d known pain. But the loneliness is what kills you. That’s the poison that eats at a person from the inside out. Years of waiting, and it led me to you. 

And yet, somehow I’ve found my way back to another sandy grave, alone again.

I’ve had so much time to think since I’ve found myself here. I tell myself that I was made for planets like this, made for the harshness of the scorching suns against my back, the grit beneath my fingernails, and the taste of dust that lingers on my tongue once the sandstorms settle. But now I know the green the galaxy has to offer. I know the vibrance of life that exists beyond planets like this, where oceans flow freely and nature sings with the Force that flows through them. I’ve learned what it’s like to feel alive. Knowing hurts more than waiting ever did.

I wanted a home, I wanted a place to call my own, people who understood me, whose lives were so thoroughly woven into mine that it would be impossible to tell where one person ended and the other one began. For a moment, I thought I’d find that with you. But you left. You were taken from me. I can’t help but feel angry that you’ve left me alone, and selfish for ever believing that I could keep you. The Force gives and takes, I know. I had hoped you would be the one thing I’d be allowed to keep.

I regret it. I regret never telling you all of these things. But I’m sure you felt it. When you breathed your life into me, I could feel it. I felt the whole of you. I knew your feelings, even without the bond. It was clear through the unwavering tenderness of your eyes, through the desperate grip of your hand clutching mine, through the strength of your embrace though your body was weak and broken, through the slow creeping of the corners of your lips, up and up and up, until you were smiling in a way that I had never seen before. I called your name and you didn’t say a word, but I felt it. Felt it in the sure press of your lips on mine, and I hoped that through my eagerness I could convey the words I never said to you. _Thank you. I see you. I know you. I love you._

You told me once to let the past die. I've tried to bury it. But the memory of you always rises to the surface.

I felt you. I saw you. I knew you. I loved you.

I hope you knew it.

**Transmission saved.**


End file.
